Let's start with Brian Kelly, a man who was fired by LSU, walked out the door with somewhere north of $50 million in buyout money, and has apparently spent his funemployment doing media hits about how great his replacement is going to be. Kelly sat down with USA Today this week and — when asked point-blank if Lane Kiffin will win a national championship at LSU — answered with a "I think so" so loaded with subtext it needed its own offensive coordinator. His explanation? LSU has "invested in NIL" for Kiffin. They've "given him the opportunity." He'll "be able to be Lane Kiffin."

Translation: They didn't do any of that for me, and I am still processing it, but I wish Lane well.

Kiffin, for his part, has assembled what multiple Power Four general managers told On3 is the most expensive roster in college football history — reportedly north of $40 million — headlined by a $6 million quarterback in Sam Leavitt and a $3 million offensive tackle poached from Colorado. Brian Kelly's NIL budget apparently topped out somewhere around a Popeyes gift card and a firm handshake. The audacity of this man to act magnanimous while implicitly torching his former employer is the most Lane Kiffin thing that has ever happened to someone who is not Lane Kiffin.

Elsewhere in the conference, the SEC spent last week celebrating a record 87 NFL Draft selections — breaking its own record of 79 from the year before — while carefully not mentioning that the Big Ten had more first-round picks (10 to the SEC's 7), more top-five picks, and three straight national championships. Alabama and Texas A&M each put 10 players in the draft, which is genuinely impressive and also somehow didn't translate into a single confetti shower for either fanbase in January. The SEC has become the world's greatest supplier of mid-round linebackers, and we are all expected to act like this is the same as winning.

Also, Heisman finalist Diego Pavia — the magic man who made Vanderbilt relevant for one glorious, chaotic season — went undrafted. Make of that what you will. The discourse was entirely predictable. Moving on.

And then there's Mizzou, where freshman linebacker JJ Bush was arrested Monday night after allegedly driving 80 to 90 miles per hour in a 40 mph zone and then, when asked by police why he didn't stop after the lights came on, reportedly told the officer: "That's just how my car is." Sir. Sir. You are 18 years old and a four-star recruit and you just explained a Class D felony to a police officer using the same logic a golden retriever uses to justify eating an entire couch. Bush was suspended indefinitely by Eli Drinkwitz, who issued the standard disappointment statement coaches keep in a drawer for exactly these occasions. This comes, by the way, just one day after two Ole Miss players were separately hit with DUI charges — a detail that suggests the SEC offseason is operating at full throttle, literally.

It's May. The season is four months away. Everyone stay hydrated and please obey posted speed limits.