Let's start with the most predictably unhinged story of the week, which is Alabama spending nearly a hundred million dollars to keep a coach they're not totally sure about. On Wednesday, Alabama officially handed Kalen DeBoer a seven-year extension worth $12.5 million annually — a $2 million raise — locking him in through 2033. The timing is fascinating, given that the contract extension item was added late to the meeting's agenda, which is the administrative equivalent of sliding a napkin note across the table at dinner. To be clear: Alabama got blown out 38-3 by Indiana in the Rose Bowl in January, hasn't won an SEC title under DeBoer, and just watched their best quarterback in years bolt for the NFL. And yet, here's Greg Byrne writing $92 million checks. The real reason, buried under all the happy-talking press releases, is the buyout — the one DeBoer would owe Alabama if he left for another program. Before this deal, he could have bolted for Michigan or Penn State for a measly $3-5 million, which is essentially couch cushion money for big programs. Now it's $10 million. So congratulations, Tide fans: your program just paid $2 million more per year to prevent a coaching search. Dynasty tax.
Meanwhile, the ghost of Nick Saban continues to haunt this conference from his comfortable retirement. This week, former Alabama quarterback Ty Simpson revealed that Miami had offered him a staggering $6.5 million NIL deal to transfer and play in 2026. Tennessee and Ole Miss each threw in $4 million offers just to be ignored. Simpson said it was "life-changing money" that he had to actually sit down and consider. Then — and this is the part that will live rent-free in my brain forever — he called up Nick Saban. A man who has not coached a game since January 2024 is still the person these kids call for guidance. Saban's advice: strip out the money, strip out the draft position, and ask yourself what you actually want to do. Simpson said he wanted pro football without hesitation. "Well, there's your answer," said Saban, solving a multi-million-dollar dilemma from his porch like a retired oracle. The man is untouchable. Also, shoutout to Tennessee and Ole Miss for combining to throw $8 million at a quarterback who was already heading to the draft. Solid use of resources, guys.
Speaking of Ole Miss, Lane Kiffin has left the building — headed to LSU — and that program is now being run by Trinidad Chambliss, who had to win a court battle for a sixth year of eligibility. The man won a legal case to play college football. This conference, I swear.
Elsewhere, the SEC's collective identity crisis deepens. The Big Ten has now won three straight national championships. Three. The SEC hasn't even appeared in the title game since Georgia capped the 2022 season. Media takes are proliferating wildly, including one tier ranking that placed Texas — a program with zero SEC championships since joining the league — as the conference's undisputed "top dog" heading into 2026. Georgia fans, who return 14 starters including Heisman candidate Gunner Stockton, are audibly losing their minds, which honestly is the most fun they've had since the dynasty dried up. Meanwhile, half the conference can't even name a starting quarterback, with Alabama, Tennessee, Arkansas, and Vanderbilt all heading into summer with open competitions under center.
And South Carolina? Shane Beamer's recruiting class just watched two four-star commits walk out the door in a single week — a cornerback flipping to Florida, a wide receiver ghosting without explanation. The Gamecocks are tied for the fewest commitments in the entire conference. His seat is so warm it has its own ESPN notification. The drama never sleeps, and neither do I.
