It is April. Nobody has played a meaningful snap since January. And yet the SEC has already given us enough material to fill a doctoral dissertation on collective delusion. Let's begin, as we must, with Lane Kiffin.

The man spent somewhere between $40 and $60 million assembling LSU's 2026 roster — that's the coach's salary, the roster payments, and Brian Kelly's buyout check all before you even get to the light bill at the football facility. Fifty-one new players descended on Baton Rouge, and by the third week of spring practice, six fights broke out in a single session. Kiffin actually had to stand at a podium and announce, with a straight face, "I had to teach them that we don't fight." Sir, you are the head football coach of a major university, not a substitute teacher at a middle school, and yet here we are. "When you come in," he said, "you really can't expect and assume anything is the way that I approach it. You've got to go back and teach everything from the beginning as if they don't know anything." Lane Kiffin paid $40 million for a roster and then had to explain the concept of not punching teammates. Peak college football.

LSU fans, naturally, did not enjoy the spring because there was no spring game to watch. Kiffin cancelled it again, explaining he didn't want to give free film to other programs eyeing his expensively assembled players. "I just stopped the spring game a few years ago," Kiffin said. "It became a financial piece, with how much you're investing in the players and how significant injuries are." Which is a totally reasonable position! But when a parody account on X posted that he cancelled it because of a scheduling conflict with an Alpha Phi sorority formal, half of college football briefly believed it, because of course they did. This is the world Kiffin built. He sleeps in this bed.

Meanwhile, Kiffin had enough time between brawls and press conferences to post a trolling video of Tee Martin — his new offensive analyst and former Tennessee quarterback — on the LSU weight room floor wearing Tigers gear, with Kiffin barking "He's got to go to Knoxville, Tennessee, bro." In January, Kiffin poached Tennessee edge rusher Jordan Ross out of the portal. Now he's sending Tee Martin receipts. Vol fans responded with the measured grace they are known for. (They did not respond with measured grace.)

Tennessee's spring was not a great vibe. CBS Sports ranked the Vols eleventh in the SEC, national pundits are openly writing that "the vibes just seem off in Knoxville," and Vegas has them at 7.5 wins. Their entire QB situation hinges partly on a court case against the NCAA, the defense is in year one of a notoriously slow-burn Jim Knowles install, and Kiffin is out here making TikTok content at their expense. Josh Heupel is a good football coach and an extremely patient man. He has to be.

Over in Tuscaloosa, Alabama wrapped up A-Day with enough optimism and carnage to satisfy nobody. Freshman Keelon Russell outplayed Austin Mack — four touchdowns to Mack's one — but Mack was banged up and DeBoer immediately told everyone to calm down, saying he's "not here to overhype anyone." He should maybe put that on a T-shirt. More urgently, NC State transfer receiver Noah Rogers got carted off the field during the game and will now miss the start of the regular season. Alabama's running game was somehow still not fixed. CBS Sports noted Alabama is projected at 8.5 wins and openly asked whether DeBoer would survive a third season if he falls short. Bama fans are stress-eating at an industrial rate.

And because the universe demands balance, here is your palate cleanser: the top five recruits from the state of Texas in the 2026 class all spurned both Texas and Texas A&M, choosing the Big 12 and Big Ten instead. Texas just had the No. 1 class in 2025. TAMU once had the greatest NIL class in history. And yet Texas Tech, Houston, Oregon, and USC are running laps around them in their own backyard. "It Just Means More," but apparently only once the kids are already enrolled somewhere else.

This is April. The season starts in September. God help us all.