Happy Thursday from the ruins of SEC supremacy. Pour one out, grab your rally towel, and try not to think too hard about the fact that Indiana — Indiana — is the reigning national champion in college football while the SEC hasn't sniffed the title game since Georgia closed out 2022. Three straight. Big Ten. Three. Straight. The AP literally ran a wire story this week reminding everyone that the last time the SEC went three consecutive years without a national title was 1999–2002. The conference responded to that drought by winning 14 of the next 17 championships. You know what they won this time? A bunch of media hot takes about quarterback play and 47 articles asking if the SEC is cooked. Spoiler: it's not cooked. But it is, at minimum, leaving the oven on unattended.

Let's start with Alabama, because we always start with Alabama. Kalen DeBoer just got a two-year contract extension worth $12.5 million per year — a $2 million raise — after leading the Crimson Tide to the CFP quarterfinals, where they lost to eventual champion Indiana. Got that? The man got paid more for getting bounced by a program that spent forty years being a cautionary tale. That's not necessarily wrong — stability matters, the portal waits for no one — but if Nick Saban had lost to Indiana in the quarterfinals, he would have driven his golf cart into the Gulf of Mexico out of pure shame. DeBoer is getting $12.5M and a handshake. Different era.

Speaking of Saban: it is NFL Draft night, April 23, 2026, and the biggest story out of Tuscaloosa this week is that former Bama QB Ty Simpson — who turned down a $6.5 million NIL offer from Miami to stay in school — went and called retired Nick Saban for advice before making the decision. Saban, a man who has not coached a game in over two years, remains so deeply embedded in the psyche of every Alabama player that they're still phoning him from the pre-draft green room. Saban reportedly told Simpson to take the money out of the equation and just ask himself what he wanted to do. "Without a doubt, without hesitation, I said I want to play professional football," Simpson said. "And he was like, 'Well, there's your answer.'" Tennessee and Ole Miss were also in the mix trying to poach him, by the way. Saban won the portal battle from a lawn chair in retirement. Unreal.

Meanwhile, over in Baton Rouge, the LSU fanbase has fully lost the plot over Lane Kiffin's arrival and SECRant posters are genuinely debating whether Kiffin will have six or seven national titles before he gets bored and takes the Cowboys job. The man hasn't coached a single snap for the Tigers yet. Sam Leavitt, LSU's new transfer QB and Kiffin's marquee portal get, had foot surgery and skipped most of spring practice. But sure, yeah, dynasty incoming, very normal. The expectations have been inflated to a pressure level that would terrify a scuba diver.

And then there's South Carolina. Shane Beamer watched his 2027 recruiting class get kneecapped twice in one week — four-star CB Aamaury Fountain flipped to Florida, and four-star WR Jaiden Kelly-Murray decommitted entirely, with Virginia Tech lurking in the weeds. The Gamecocks are now tied for the fewest 2027 commitments in the SEC at two, sitting next to Auburn and LSU — programs that at least have the excuse of being brand-new coaching regimes. Beamer is in year six. His seat isn't just warm; it's medium-rare.

Finally, just for the chaos garnish: Texas and Texas A&M combined to sign only six of the top 25 recruits in the state of Texas this cycle. Oregon, USC, and Texas Tech outrecruited both SEC programs in their own backyard. It Just Means More has apparently been revised to mean more transfer portal drama and more Big 12 programs stealing your lunch money on home turf. The conference will be fine. Eventually. Probably.