Somewhere in Baton Rouge this weekend, Lane Kiffin watched the Jayden Daniels drama unfold and felt the warm glow of a man who had nothing to do with it. That's a nice position to be in.

For everyone who missed it: Jayden Daniels — Heisman winner, Washington Commanders franchise QB, guy who went 2-10 at Arizona State before LSU rescued his career — sent a cease-and-desist letter to LSU this week over the school giving his old No. 5 jersey to sophomore cornerback DJ Pickett. His family spokesperson also told ESPN that Daniels wants LSU to return the program's copy of his 2023 Heisman Trophy. Let that breathe for a second. He wants the trophy back. The trophy they let him have because he played for them.

The internet, to no one's surprise, did not react charitably. StubHub announced it would no longer offer tickets in groups of five "out of respect" for Daniels, which might be the single funniest corporate troll of the calendar year. Paul Finebaum went on a DC radio show Friday and delivered the kind of monologue he'll use as his audition reel for the rest of his natural life: "I've rarely, if ever, seen a dumber, more senseless move." He told Daniels to never waste another second in Baton Rouge because "they are done with him." Finebaum also noted, with the careful calm of a man who has spent 40 years watching SEC fans embarrass themselves, that Daniels is not Joe Burrow. Nobody has worn No. 9 since Burrow left. Probably because LSU understood the assignment.

Look — the jersey thing is legitimately a little shady from LSU's end if they quietly implied it would stay retired. But demanding the Heisman copy back while your NFL team is in preseason camp is the kind of energy that makes your offensive coordinator quietly update his LinkedIn. LSU and Kiffin have no intention of complying with any of this. Shocking.

Meanwhile in Tuscaloosa, Alabama held its first full-pads scrimmage Thursday and still — STILL — cannot tell you who their starting quarterback is. Keelon Russell, the five-star sophomore with a reported $2 million NIL valuation and what teammates call "dynamite in a bottle" arm, outplayed veteran Austin Mack by most insider accounts after Thursday's closed scrimmage. ESPN's Pete Thamel had to compare the whole decision to investing in semiconductor stocks versus the S&P 500, which tells you everything you need to know about how far college football discourse has descended. Word is DeBoer could name a starter as early as today. He could also punt to next week's scrimmage. Nobody knows. Tuscaloosa waits in the particular anguish of a fanbase that has been promised greatness so long they've forgotten what genuine uncertainty feels like.

And then there is Tennessee, which is apparently trying to qualify as a FEMA disaster zone before Labor Day. Junior safety Edrees Farooq — who ranked second in the SEC in forced fumbles last season — tore his patellar tendon in Friday's practice and was loaded into an ambulance while his teammates kept drilling. Linebacker Jaedon Harmon went down with a torn ACL the day before. Miami DB transfer Jadais Richard is also done for the year. Oh, and linebacker Arion Carter is suspended two games for a $427 NCAA violation involving a flight. Four hundred and twenty-seven dollars. The NCAA held the line at four hundred twenty-seven dollars while coaches sign ten-million-dollar contracts. This organization is something else.

Heupel, to his considerable credit, said "I hate it" about the injuries and then immediately told everyone the defense would be fine — which is what you say when the alternative is telling the truth on a Saturday morning. Somewhere, Vol Twitter is already blaming Jim Knowles for both the injuries and the weather. Welcome to August in the SEC, the only time of year where nobody has played a game yet and somehow everything has already gone wrong.