The SEC spring meetings wrapped up Thursday in Miramar Beach, Florida — the kind of resort town where rich people go to make reckless decisions — and somehow the conference managed to produce enough chaos in four days to sustain this newsletter through Labor Day.
Let's start with Ole Miss, which apparently can't go two weeks without somebody nationally prominent using it as a punching bag. Lane Kiffin, still in the honeymoon phase of his $91 million LSU coronation, told Vanity Fair that some recruits' grandparents flat-out refused to let their kids move to Oxford because of Mississippi's, quote, racial past. "That doesn't come up when you say Baton Rouge, Louisiana," Kiffin said, informing us all that Baton Rouge has no complicated racial history whatsoever. He then issued the classic non-apology — "I really apologize if anybody at Ole Miss or in Mississippi was offended" — which is the verbal equivalent of parking in a handicapped spot and leaving a sticky note that says "Sorry, seemed fine." Ole Miss officials are reportedly discussing a "potential reprimand" with the SEC, which will accomplish nothing, and Kiffin will return to Oxford on September 19 to a stadium that will absolutely not be happy to see him.
But Kiffin wasn't even Ole Miss's biggest problem this week. That honor belongs to Texas head coach Steve Sarkisian, who earlier this month told USA Today that "all you have to do is take basket weaving, and you can get an Ole Miss degree." Sarkisian was trying to make a point about transfer portal academic inequities — and, to be fair, he had a point — but instead he just dunked on the Rebels in the most condescending way possible, which is wild considering Arch Manning's grandfather, father, and uncle all went to Ole Miss. At the spring meetings, Sarkisian said it was "a poor choice of words" and confirmed the SEC did not punish him. Ole Miss reportedly asked the conference to look into whether he violated bylaws 10.2.3 and 10.5.2. The SEC said there was "nothing to report." Rebels fans are coping on their timelines right now and it is genuinely hard to watch.
Florida's new coach Jon Sumrall, a former Ole Miss assistant, decided the chaos needed his personal contribution and quote-tweeted the Sarkisian story with "Grateful to coach at a top 10 public university that also offers advanced basket weaving!" which was apparently a joke and which absolutely did not land as one in Oxford.
Meanwhile, Kirby Smart — two national titles, zero chill — looked out at the horizon from the Hilton Sandestin pool deck and told reporters he would fully support the SEC breaking away from the NCAA to operate by its own rules. "I'm not afraid to break away and say that our conference is strong enough to go out and play," Smart said, with the energy of a man who has been to these meetings eleven times and has simply stopped caring about diplomacy. SEC presidents and chancellors responded Thursday with a formal statement protecting the conference's media rights from any national pooling scheme, which is somehow both the calmest and most aggressive thing the SEC has done in a week of aggressive things. Iowa State's AD told the SEC to just leave already, which — buddy, be careful what you wish for.
And then there's Greg Sankey, who spent the week quietly absorbing chaos while also confirming he told ESPN the conference was "displeased" about scheduling Arkansas to play a 9:15 p.m. road game at Utah and then turn around for an 11 a.m. home game against Georgia six days later. ESPN, which pays the SEC $710 million a year, responded by not changing anything. "That's one of those points of authority that are given to our broadcast partner," Sankey said, which translates to: we are very important and also completely powerless.
Summer can't get here fast enough. Or maybe it can, because at this rate the SEC will have formally seceded from something by July 4th.
