Somewhere in Oxford, Mississippi, a graduate student is frantically designing a 'WE HAVE INDOOR PLUMBING' yard sign for the Sept. 19 LSU game. You cannot blame them. It has been one of those weeks.

Let's start with Lane Kiffin, who apparently decided that quietly bolting Ole Miss for LSU mid-playoff run wasn't enough of a final statement. No — he needed a Vanity Fair profile. A VANITY FAIR PROFILE. Kiffin sat down with the magazine of record for Manhattan socialites and told them — unprompted, per the writer — that recruiting Black players to Oxford was harder because of Ole Miss's history with segregation. "My grandparents aren't letting me move to Oxford, Mississippi," he quoted recruits as saying, before pivoting to how Baton Rouge feels like "no segregation." Sure, Lane. Because Louisiana is famously the healing salve of American racial history.

To be clear: the underlying recruiting reality Kiffin is gesturing at isn't delusional. Ole Miss has a real and documented history with its symbols and branding. But the way to address that is not to wait until you are safely employed at a rival school and then drop it in a glossy magazine between ads for Gucci loafers — completely unprompted, mind you, the writer says he never even asked. Rece Davis called it "completely unnecessary." Paul Finebaum, who has survived this conference for decades, said Kiffin is "trying to wipe Ole Miss off the face of the Earth" and is "still very bitter" about not getting to coach the Rebels in the Playoff he helped build. The Ole Miss men's basketball coach called it "a pitiful day." Kiffin apologized. Nobody cared. The Sept. 19 game in Oxford is going to be an atmosphere that should come with a parental advisory.

Then — because Ole Miss apparently needed a second front — Texas coach Steve Sarkisian told USA Today that "all you have to do is take basket weaving, and you can get an Ole Miss degree." One day after Kiffin's Vanity Fair bomb. The timing is either a coordinated SEC ambush or the most spectacular coincidence in offseason history. There is a group chat called Torch Oxford and these men are rotating turns.

The irony that Sarkisian coaches Arch Manning — whose grandfather, father, and uncle all bled Ole Miss red — apparently gave him zero pause. Stephen A. Smith went on a three-minute First Take tirade calling it "a low damn blow" and noted, correctly, that Ole Miss was in the College Football Playoff while Texas was watching from the couch. Finebaum sharpened the knife: "Steve Sarkisian makes about $12 million a year, and not one person on his roster is going to the University of Texas for their curriculum. They're going for the money." New Florida coach Jon Sumrall jumped in with a tweet that he's "grateful to coach at a top 10 public university that also offers advanced basket weaving." At least Sumrall made it funny.

Meanwhile, in happier news for one program: Alabama's Kalen DeBoer landed 4-star linebacker Kenneth Simon II — son of former Tennessee linebacker Kevin Simon — out of Brentwood, Tennessee, spurning the Vols for the Crimson Tide. When asked why he chose Bama, Simon said, "I talked to God... and He told me I needed to go to Bama." Tennessee fans are now questioning both their roster and their theology.

The SEC in May: zero games played, maximum chaos generated. This conference is a communicable disease and none of us are seeking treatment.