Let's start with the main event, because it is genuinely one of the most unhinged sequences of offseason events this conference has produced in recent memory, which is truly saying something.

Former Alabama quarterback Ty Simpson went on Caleb Downs' podcast — yes, that Caleb Downs, his former teammate who now plays for Ohio State, just two guys hanging out in the wreckage of the Rose Bowl — and attempted to explain the 38-3 demolition Indiana put on the Crimson Tide in the CFP quarterfinal. His take: Indiana's defense "doesn't do much." They "do the same thing every down." Simpson said he "knew exactly what was going to happen" on every snap. He just, uh, couldn't do anything about it. Alabama finished with 193 total yards and 23 yards rushing. Simpson completed 12 passes for 67 yards before leaving with a cracked rib. So yes. He knew what was coming. He just got destroyed anyway.

Indiana defensive coordinator Bryant Haines, Broyles Award winner and architect of the nation's top-ranked defense, read these comments and responded with a single word: "Adorable."

Then Alabama fans — bless their hearts — pushed back on Haines. And that's when the DC fully lost the plot in the best possible way. "That's all it took to break your entire fanbase?" Haines posted. "Wow.. maybe I should've just said 'Boo'. No apologies, no compliments. Grow up folks. He had a bad take and I said the painful truth. Bounce back better." An Indiana quality control staffer then piled on with his own tweet for good measure, because apparently the entire Hoosier support staff has the same energy as a man who just found out he won the lottery and cannot stop telling people about it.

To be clear: Indiana beat Alabama by 35 points, then won the national championship. Simpson is about to be a first-round NFL Draft pick on Thursday. Nobody in this situation is actually suffering. And yet here we are, Wednesday in April, watching a coordinator and a fanbase argue on social media about a game that ended three months ago. This sport is a disease and I am fully infected.

Meanwhile, in Athens, Georgia, former Bulldogs wide receiver Zachariah Branch — projected second-round pick, 4.35 forty, set Georgia's single-season record with 81 catches last year — was arrested outside a bar in the early hours of Sunday morning. His crime: standing on a sidewalk. According to the police report, Branch "smirked, then stepped backwards and to the right, then remained standing upon the public sidewalk." He was booked at 1:26 a.m. and released at 3:44 a.m. after posting $39 bail. Thirty-nine dollars. The man has multi-million dollar NFL contract projections and his freedom cost less than a fast-casual dinner. Branch had been in town for Georgia's G-Day spring game the day before — a man cannot even attend his own team's scrimmage and then go out without the universe trying to ruin his draft stock. NFL teams are currently reviewing this misdemeanor smirk very seriously.

And then there is the slow-motion absurdity of CFP expansion, which has now graduated from "conference people arguing in hotel conference rooms" to "a White House presidential committee is involved." A 14-person presidential "media" committee, its existence backed by the Trump administration, is pushing hard for a 24-team playoff. Three of four Power Four commissioners are apparently on board. Fans online are asking, quote, "Why not 76 teams? Match the basketball tournament." The lone holdout among the commissioners is SEC's Greg Sankey, who has been doing his best impression of a man plugging a dam with his fingers while everyone around him orders more dynamite.

For the record: two years ago the playoff had four teams. We are now seriously debating 24. The SEC, after losing three straight CFP titles to Big Ten schools, is simultaneously the reason the playoff keeps expanding and the conference most furious about it. That's the most SEC thing possible, and I mean that as a sincere, loving insult to everyone involved.