Let's start with the most important question: what exactly is going on in Knoxville when a fifth-year Texas defensive end decides the correct post-sack celebration is to crouch down and mime relieving himself on the opposing team's quarterback?
That is what happened Saturday. Colin Simmons — preseason All-American, projected top-ten NFL pick, leader of one of the nation's best defenses — recorded his second sack of the game against Tennessee freshman Faizon Brandon, stood up, and [simulating using the restroom]. That is the official language. Referee Kyle Olson actually announced, into a microphone, to 100,000 people and a national television audience, that Colin Simmons had been flagged for "simulating using the restroom." Kirk Herbstreit called it "an absolute idiotic move." Chris Fowler said it "doesn't get much more vulgar." Simmons' post-game apology included the phrase "I was definitely in that mode, feeling myself," which, honestly, is the most accurate thing anyone said all weekend.
Texas still won 20-17. Simmons still ended up with five sacks, tying a program record. The Longhorns remain No. 1. Steve Sarkisian's suit will probably smell like cigars for a week. Tennessee, bless their hearts, recovered an onside kick late and had a Hail Mary fall incomplete — extending their streak to 15 consecutive losses against the No. 1 team in America, a drought stretching back to 1985. Vol fans showed up in a full Checker Neyland, brought the noise, and got three points short of the upset. That's the most Tennessee thing I've ever typed.
Now, about Marcel Reed. Last week, after A&M lost at home to unranked Kentucky 31-21, a self-proclaimed Wildcats fan posted Reed's personal phone number on X. Reed told On3 he was getting calls "back to back to back to back" from what he believed were numbers across eighteen different states. He turned his phone off and spent the night watching college football. Then he changed his number. The internet briefly congratulated itself for being "pathetic" and "unacceptable." Several fans on X speculated it had "Lane Kiffin written all over it," which is giving Lane Kiffin a level of logistical commitment he probably doesn't actually have.
And then Reed went to Baton Rouge on Saturday night and went 10-of-26 for 106 yards with an interception and minus-13 rushing yards in a 35-6 demolition. Kiffin, who is fighting a federal lawsuit from the SEC and coaching SEC football simultaneously, sprinted down the sideline when a fourth-and-short play-action bomb went for 57 yards and basically broke the game open. He then pantomimed a sledgehammer swing at no one. Texas A&M is now 0-2 in conference play and, per the AP, on the outside of the Top 25 looking in. Kiffin said afterward: "We take shots." Mike Elko said: "We have to play better football. I just don't know what else to say." Sir, same.
Oh, and the lawsuit? Still very much alive. Louisiana Attorney General Liz Murrill filed a motion Friday to dismiss the SEC's federal suit, arguing LSU never actually rostered the NFL-camp players and the September 10 termination vote "came and went without a problem." The SEC, for its part, said it was "deeply disappointed" — which is the conference equivalent of a passive-aggressive group text. The SEC sued its own founding member, tried to vote them out of the conference, backed down when LSU filled its roster spots, and is now mad that LSU had the audacity to point that out in court.
Five weeks in, we have: one DE peeing on a field, a QB doxxed across 18 states, a coach winning games and fighting litigation simultaneously, and the most powerful conference in college football at legal war with one of its own. The SEC is not a football conference. It's a reality show that occasionally plays football.
